Limeyscopes
For the week of February 4-11

Aries:  Call your Mom. Because if you don't... she'll keep calling and calling you until your voicemail is full and that hot guy you met last night won't be able to leave you a message. Even though he could just as easily text you, but he won't, because you didn't call your Mother.

Taurus: You don't need to buy more stuff. Except maybe some shoes. And those tights that would go really well with that skirt you got last week that makes your bum look awesome. And that new CD to get you pumped up on the way to the party while you're wearing your new outfit; because let's face it...it's been awhile.

Gemini: You are a two faced bas***d. Be nice to your friends, and quit slamming your neighbours on Twitter. After all, they know where you live.

Cancer : More glitter is always better.

Leo: Your sex appeal is obvious, so quit looking in the mirror. Or else, if you're not careful, someone will hit you in the back of the head and kick you during a very moving moment at show's end. And it will, oh yes it will, end up on the Internet.

Virgo: Yoga class is a good idea. Stretch well first, and you will be pleased the results. Your prince will come, someday. Even if you're a guy, your Prince will come. Literally.

Libra : Nine out of Ten Limeybirds agree that you need to loosen the f*** up. Don't be too cool for school,  you don't know how much fun it is to turn all the lights on and run around the house wearing nothing but jello and a smile until you try it.

Scorpio: Notorious for being great in the sack, you are also prone to mid-life crises - so use some of that energy to make your payments every month, and soon you'll be on your way.

Sagittarius: Whee! Life is fun, but you still wish you were a Capricorn.

Capricorn: Vegas can be fun but just remember that with the advent of Youtube, Twitter, Myspace and Vegas, chances are...what happens in Vegas will be online in hours.

Aquarius: Yes you're brainy but nobody cares. Or wants to know what the plotline for every comic strip in the daily newspaper is. Sigh.

Pisces: Make up your damn mind. Get your head out of the clouds and choose. So there. Because if you don't -they won't stay.

Note: These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Any following of these means you need serious help - be careful that you don't end up 37 years old living in your Saturn with a cat in the vacant lot behind the walmart.